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I just couldn’t sleep.
So I hopped out of bed
and downstairs I did creep.

I went to the kitchen
in search of a bite.
If I filled up my stomach,
perhaps I’d sleep tight.

The cupboard was empty
the fridge, it was bare.
I searched but I couldn’t
find food anywhere.

(more…)

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The Santa Claus at the mall was very surprised when a young lady
about twenty years old walked up and sat on his lap.

Santa doesn’t usually take requests from adults, but she smiled
very nicely at him, so he asked her, “What do you want for
Christmas?”

“Something for my mother, please.” said the young lady.

“Something for your mother? Well, that’s very thoughtful of you,'’
smiled Santa. “What do you want me to bring her? ”

Without blinking she replied, “A son-in-law!”

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At the gates, Saint Peter tells Ford, “Well, you’ve been such a good guy and your invention of the car changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven.”

So Henry Ford thinks about it and says, “I want to hang out with Adam, the first man.”

So the guy at the gates points Adam out to Ford.

When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks, “Hey aren’t you the inventor of woman?”

Adam says, “Yes.”

“Well,” says Ford, “You have some major design flaws in your invention: (more…)

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A guy wanted to buy a gift for his new girlfriend’s birthday.

As they had only started dating, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note, personal, but not too personal.

Accompanied by the girlfriend’s younger sister, he went to Dillards and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping, however, the clerk got the items mixed up and the sister got the gloves and the girlfriend got the panties.

The guy sent the package to the girlfriend with the following note: (more…)

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Now I haven’t known you very long and I shouldn’t be asking you for this so soon, but I really need it badly.

I haven’t had it for a while and I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft.

If you would do this for me no one would ever know.

I am sure you can satisfy my needs and I’d be very grateful if you would.

I am very desperate and I need your help.

You must think by now that I have a lot of nerve but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juices until it’s very dry.

I am not gog to beat around the bush any longer so.

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1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

2. You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t
have to go along.

3. Getting a little action means I don’t need fiber today.

4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

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I shall seek and find you.

I shall take you to bed and control you.

I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you grunt and groan.

I will make you beg for mercy.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I leave you.

And you will be weak for days.

All my love,

The Flu

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When they arrive the devil informs them that he is going to remove their penises.

“Oh, how are you going to do it”, asks one of the guys.

“Whatever your fathers jobs were, that’s how I’ll remove them” says the devil.

So he calls over the first guy “Your father was a lumberjack… So I’ll cut it off with a saw”

To the second guy he says “Your father was a blacksmith… So I’m going to burn it off”

As he calls the third guy over he notices he’s smiling.

“Why are you smiling, you just watched me remove your friends penises” says the devil.

“I know” replies the man “but my father was a popsicle maker”

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10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can’t hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it’s like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man’s eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

1. Repeat number 9……

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10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it’s truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes … BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.